Writing this years after this has been published to say that I’m not removing this terrible first piece because I’m not a coward. Anyways, if you’re down for a garrulous introspection of some high school graduate’s feelings of the world and his life in 2020 then go on ahead and read it. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Okay, let’s get this out of the way: I’m eighteen-years-old. I’m not some caring dad, or empathetic professor, or an observant twenty-four-year-old. I’m a high school graduate nearing the end of the first semester of his first year in college. This was the year I was supposed to start my life, chase my aspirations, and build my career. I was finally going to get out there and do more with my life by bettering myself from being an antisocial computer gremlin into becoming an outgoing people person. But life thought differently. A global pandemic, civil unrest, and violent forest fires are some of the hardships this new decade has brought onto us.
Schools shut down for the most part, just like many businesses across the country, which caused parents and many who don’t have access to a computer or reliable internet to worry. But for a senior in high school, it was an opportunity to do less while still performing well academically. Teachers became more lenient, homework was less pressing, and classes were virtually nonexistent since I had pretty much only two weeks of classes left before my graduation, which almost felt like I had spent those four years for nothing. Under all these circumstances, my reclusive habits were only promoted and strengthened for the worse, making what was once an early summer break paradise into a purgatory of what feels like nothing.
Online classes are understandable. Hell, I’m glad I can wake up 10 minutes before class starts and still make it in time. But there’s this artificial feeling present in every click of the mouse, every clack of the keyboard, and every syllable that leaves the mouths of professors. To make it worse, I find myself having a harder time paying attention from sleep deprivation and outside distractions, which makes me basically teach myself the content. This is not a problem caused by either side; it’s an effect of the current situation we find ourselves living in. I miss the drowsy bus rides to school, the loud lunches with friends, and the stamping of feet in the halls. But I admit, it’s unfair to compare these digital lectures to the in-person interactions of senior year classes because I hadn’t even experienced what college would be like on campus. College is vastly different from high school, giving a new sensation of flexibility with setting my schedules for classes contrasted by having to deal with multiple projects within a month or less. This is the only semblance of normality: the monotonous sludge of homework, which I’m oddly thankful for since it adds a valid excuse to force myself not mindlessly watch YouTube videos or play more video games.
For a hobby, video games are odd to me. When I’ve read a book, I feel that I’ve learned more about storytelling, literature, and sometimes history. Similarly, when I’ve finished watching a movie, I feel like I learned more about human experiences while also being able to relate on a deeper level with the emotions or situations characters find themselves in. However, video games use the gameplay to exert a feeling into the player with presentations to assist and storytelling to drive the game forward. The gameplay is a tool to manipulate the world around the player. When a game can create an experience that I can never forget through its gameplay loop and mechanics, I know I’ve had gone through something no other medium can achieve. The cathartic gibbing of enemies in Quake, the intricate and ridiculous assassination methods of Hitman 2, and the dreadful but beautiful world of Dark Souls have me coming back more and more to video games, which is what I probably realized after playing Disco Elysium for the first time in September. After playing Disco Elysium for seven hours straight and learning that the devs who made it had never made a game before, I knew that I had to make games. Switching my career goal at the beginning of college isn’t the end of the world but had added more to this purgatory feeling of quarantine. I had initially been building myself towards becoming a screenwriter, dedicating hours of personal time to learning filmmaking, creative writing, and analyzing stories. This had made it more devastating when I hadn’t a single clue of how to code, 3D model, or anything related to game development. These days, instead of learning about cinematography and screenwriting in my free time, I’m teaching myself game development through YouTube tutorials and getting a bit of help from a good online friend of mine.
I’ve been socially inept since pretty much the beginning of high school. I attribute it to the stark difference it was from middle school. From freshman year and on, I’ve pretty much only stuck to my circle of six friends and only ventured out to only make friends for some classes and not actual “friends.” My group of friends had other friends and befriended new people. I had never really been the person to approach new people. I’d rather somebody talk to me first, and hopefully, I can hold a conversation with as few quiet moments as possible. This social awkwardness has made my computer a sanctuary of video games and online friends where I can confidently meet new people. The number of people in my online friend group is more than double of my real-life friend group, and only two of those real-life friends play video games with me regularly. So with online school becoming the norm, I had succumbed to my reclusive nature. Before the first wave of COVID, I had pretty much only seen friends at school and my occasional trip to downtown or one of their houses. Every other time I had my friends come to my house, and we’d watch movies or play on one of their Nintendo Switches. But since Spring, I had not seen most of my friends since March of 2020, except for one of them who lives near me. I had originally told myself that I would be more open to meeting new people in college since it’s good to do some networking and make great friends. But again, current events don’t seem to be in my favor.
This leads to today. I write this sentence at 6:48 in the morning, two days before Thanksgiving. My sleep schedule is utterly in shambles. Having more time to play games, aimlessly browse the internet, and sometimes pursue personal projects has led me to stay up absurdly late. This new environment has made me change what I wanted to do as a career, having me juggle thoughts of being a screenwriter or a game developer. With a schedule that is stuck together with string and spit, I cling to any normality I can with homework and taking out the trash every Thursday. Having an uncertain future made less certain because of the status of the world is definitely troubling. But what terrifies me more is knowing about how I think all of this but have yet to do anything about it and instead wrote it on this website. This seems like the ramblings of a sleep-deprived young adult, and for half of it, it is. Writing this feels like an excuse to say I was productive when 10 minutes after publishing this, I’ll be back on YouTube watching some pointless video about a game I’ll never buy and probably never play.
